About to just… give up

A

I’m laying in bed crying after having an argument with my boyfriend.

I moved last Wednesday. I’m only about 20 minutes from him now. I did it for me, mainly, for many reasons but already I can see I’ll make better money here than where I was. But that’s not the point of this blog.

the point is that he told me he didn’t really feel like we knew each other living so far away and only seeing each other every other weekend. I didn’t get it, because I believe I know him quite well, but I thought okay, I can do something about that.

So here I am. I had to spend last Wednesday and Thursday night with him because the gas (and therefore heat) wasn’t turned on until Friday morning. But I didn’t hang out there until early Thursday afternoon (it was too cold to stay at the house longer than necessary) and I left early Friday morning. He came over Saturday evening about 8 and spent the night. I worked a bit and then he left Sunday evening. He was barely here 24 hours but we did sleep together Wednesday and Thursday night so that was good.

But now I haven’t seen him since he left Sunday. He works evenings, I know that but I’m so fucking hurt. I got more and more upset with each day that passed, barely replying to his texts, until tonight when I asked if he was coming over and he asked if he could come tomorrow.

I’m so angry. And sad. I didn’t move here so we could barely spend 24 hours together a week. How is that any better than what we were doing? It isn’t. The difference is we’d actually see each other less. He doesn’t get that. I don’t know how to be any clearer that I want to see him more than once a week. That I want a relationship in person with a fucking person, not primarily through texts. Not anymore, not now that was are this close. That’s unacceptable at this point because I’m not that far away and if he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.

But he won’t because he’s not like that. He won’t come over to comfort me, knowing I’m upset, because I didn’t invite him. He won’t show up unexpectedly because he wouldn’t even think of it. He won’t ease my pain by doing anything like that because… he always wants me to tell him exactly what to do and I’m so tired of doing that when it never lasts for long, if at all.

And I love him so much yet I’m starting to think that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so loyal and loving and none of that matters because he just doesn’t feel the same. That much is becoming obvious.

So I’m laying in bed crying my heart out and he’s probably at home, doing anything except thinking about the girlfriend who loves him and is in bed, thinking every car that passes by might be him finally understanding how much she really just needs held right now… and that it won’t happen.

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An Autistic Gal

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